Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
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if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha