In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
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Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.