In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
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A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
After 35, your body ages in dog years
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.