In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
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Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
What a website
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
The news
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes