*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
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7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
How your email finds me
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
Meme Monday.
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.