@jayleno: In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a "cronut," which is croissant/donut. We call these people "midiots," which is a moron/idiot.
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@man_spach: My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they're like, sir that's just irritable bowel syndrome.
@AmishPornStar1: Mechanic said I blew a seal... Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
@VerifiedDrunk: Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don't think I'm hungry for lunch anymore. .