In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
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Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between