At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
You Might Also Like
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.