@Lisa_Laughs_: In order to prepare for the future, I'm going to practice wearing adult diapers. But only when I'm drinking.
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@JohnLyonTweets: Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
@GulfCoastJake: Tip: When the cop asks you "Do you know how fast you were going?" do NOT respond with "I know, right?!"
@jwoodham: THANKSGIVING ICEBREAKERS: (1) Obama, am I right? (2) Ebola, am I right? (3) Was his full name Bugs Bunny or was he just a bunny named Bugs?