@Lisa_Laughs_: In order to prepare for the future, I'm going to practice wearing adult diapers. But only when I'm drinking.
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@_mindflakes: (boom boom clap) (boom boom clap) Daisy you're a dog you're a good dog Playing in the park Gonna eat some cool bugs today
@bobvulfov: [audition for a vampire tv show] ME: as u can see in my headshots, i'm a vampire CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos ME: exactly
@bourgeoisalien: Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
@KalvinMacleod: ALIEN: take me to ur leader ME: ok [later at zoo] A: wtf M: a lemur A: I said leader M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing