My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
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Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
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I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.