In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
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3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I鈥檝e walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
馃幎we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
My son works part time at McDonald鈥檚 and did a shift today. I asked him, as it鈥檚 Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he鈥檚 adopted.
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
Kevins first time outside 馃槶 he was absolutely bewildered
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
Me: It鈥檚 time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
Great acting.. 馃槀