In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
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something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.