@Hebafouad21: In our wedding, I'll invite his ex and be like "Still believe you can get him back?"
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@KentWGraham: How can my wife's hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
@iamburtjarvis: [moving her panties to the side] HEY MAA, I'M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
@DanielleBreeden: I lost my car chapstick and now my book bag chapstick is in my room and my room chapstick is in my car and my whole life’s outta wack
@wickedimproper: My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.