In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
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*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?