It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
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The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
Oh we’ve met.
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
Wasps: bees, but not helping
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said