The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
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Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
rise and shine we got egg
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful