In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
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I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
time machine? you mean a clock?
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.