@0point5twins: In phone books, "assisted living" is next to "assassin", so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to 'take care of grandma'.
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@Pro_Jones_: Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he's dead he's a great Wife: I swear to God I'll divorce you Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
@kylegotjokes: My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said "bless you" now she just staring at the bushes confused wondering who said that
@sarcasticmommy4: I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son. “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
@thatdutchperson: "No points, illegal kick to the face." "But I'm the hero of this movie." "Fair enough, here's your trophy." -The Karate Kid