In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
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What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
Every time.
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
*checks Timeline*…
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise