@realHamOnWry: In recent years the number of UFO sightings has dropped because of the smart phone. Their users never look up.
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@markleggett: MAJOR TOM: Tell my wife I love her very much… GROUND CONTROL: She knows. MAJOR TOM: Wait… Is she with you now? GROUND CONTROL: Bye, Tom.
@truegritrumble: KID:I drew you a picture! ME:What's this? KID:Our house. ME:What's the orange stuff? KID:Fire. ME:Why's the house on fire? KID:I wanna PS4.
@atanya1111: Husband: are you cooking something? Me: of course not Husband: the oven timer just went off Me: oh yeah, take the wine out of the freezer