@realHamOnWry: In recent years the number of UFO sightings has dropped because of the smart phone. Their users never look up.
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@EllDavey: I go in bars in a suit & tie, drink all night & write tweets down in a notebook. They're not quite sure if I'm the district manager or not.
@jonnysun: DATE: dessert? MY BRAIN: im full MY STOMACH: i want food DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
@LifeUnPinterest: Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler's footie jammies and am comforted to know she'll do well in prison.