In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
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Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]