@LostLettermen: In response to McDonald's pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
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@cloudybones: Being asked if you've read 50 Shades of Grey is like being asked if you've had steak at Applebees. You do know there's actual steakhouses?
@XplodingUnicorn: My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, "Don't worry, Dad. I'm OK." Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
@briancthayer: [exchanging vows] HIM: I'll love you forever. HER: I'll love you until you leave me a voicemail. HIM: Wait, what?! PRIEST: No, that's fair.
@DamienFahey: "VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!" - Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6