In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
You Might Also Like
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
Canadian owl: Eh?
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
Europe. Made in Germany.
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands