In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
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she has a smile full of sesame seeds
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
Overindulged this afternoon.
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky