@AnOrangeSNES: In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn't my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
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@LuvPug: I told my therapist what you said and she's gonna call your therapist and you're in big trouble
@BuckyIsotope: WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened? ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
@leyawn: someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying "there's lemons" and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
@Parkerlawyer: I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.” To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”