In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
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WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.