In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
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Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
When I can’t barge, I careen.
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
WWE is French for “yes”
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.