In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
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I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
the dark web is just a goth google.
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.