In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
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If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
My support group can outdrink your support group.
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.