In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
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Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir