In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
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NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
Are we there yet?…
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
Van Gone
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.