President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
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The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes