@JaneBadall: In retrospect, the kidnapping was going according to plan until I blew my nose on the rag I'd soaked with chloroform.
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@measday519: Research says that if you're afraid of spiders, you're most likely to find them in your bedroom. I'm afraid of men with accents so...
@dafloydsta: [at the gym] PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have? ME: *leans in close* I'd prefer human
@GianDoh: If someone says "With all due respect," what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.