(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
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I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.