In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
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Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone