In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
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Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
as is their right