@Nahdude83: In Russia, Jesus finds you.
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@sixfootcandy: Me: I just killed a HUGE spider! Him: It was actually a piece of yarn. Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
@Sickayduh: I tried to kill a spider by drowning it in douche and now it keeps picking fights with me on social media
@Reverend_Scott: Sorry I said, "Whoa, hope he's good at math." when you showed me your kid's finger painting.
@Audenary: LINCOLN: Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak and to remove all doubt. TWITTER: No.