“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
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He is just living hist best little life 😊
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no