People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
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I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
Meth is short for Elizameth.
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top