In Russia, Pokemon find you.
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If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.