In Russia, Pokemon find you.
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Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
Many hands make light work
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.