In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
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Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
Smooooooth
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris