in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
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I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL