@Shut_up_Marissa: In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
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@RickAaron: I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during "Ellen" and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
@G_Faylor: [trying to check out girl at grocery store] cashier: please take her off the conveyor belt
@FuckabillyRex: I gave my bus driver a copy of the play I wrote about a bus driver that falls in love with one of his passengers. And now we wait.
@Loli_Sug: My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16