In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
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I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
pelicons
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
*cough*
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.