[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
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Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?