[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
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Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
*limbos away from your hug*