In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
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Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
getting groceries
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.