@faisaladam_: In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
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@NotthatAdamWest: When did intentionally misspelling words become a thing? Kewl? Gurl? You know what I dig? Literacy.
@LizHackett: I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she's traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
@dafloydsta: WIFE: Stop spending all our money ME: Okay, fine [later] WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF? ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT