Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
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too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver