In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
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I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
huge valentines day plans this year!!
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.