In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
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this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”