In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
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When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
What even happened today?
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke