In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
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The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
If you need a laugh.. 😅
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size