In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
You Might Also Like
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
And they lived apathetically ever after.
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.