[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
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Just a phase…
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
Whoa 😂
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?