In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
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It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
This could be us but you eatin’
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.