In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
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i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
I can’t stop laughing at this
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren