In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
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Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
Whoa 😂
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.